Trauma in REM

Last Saturday the 24th of October, after working the closing shift at work, it was nearly 9:45 pm when I walked in the door to my homestead, and carry my belongings (purse full of cheep one dollar lipstick, a wallet without any money, a cell phone with no calls or text messages inviting me to come play on a Saturday night, a used-multiple times- tooth flosser, and Listerine strips) downstairs. Seconds later I hear my sister Kalli walk in the door, with her friend Kyle. I was still dressed in my work clothes, looking fly, so I decided to run upstairs to say hello. Yeah, I didn't walk, or jog up the stairs, I ran. That's desperation for attention on a Saturday night right there.

I visit with Kalli and Kyle for a bit in the kitchen. They're going downstairs, my mom is in the front room sitting in the rocking chair and calls for me to come chat with her. I'm cold so I grab this nice fleece robe and put it on over my dress clothes, then go and sprawl out on the couch. Trying to get cozy, I unbutton my pants, unzip my zipper, (don't act like ya'll don't do it too) kick off my clogs and just let loose.



My mom was working on this project she's been doing for a while, on my laptop. I think she wanted to read it to me, but in a matter of minutes, I was zonked out. I swear (only sometimes, and on accident, or when scared...uh, right word, wrong meaning..back on track now.)- I can sleep anywhere, on anything, and stay that way all night. Not only that, I sleep in really awkward positions. I have since I was a wee lit'l lass. Some things never change..
We all have our favorite sleeping positions. Mine is simply that I have to sleep with my hands covered. No matter where that entails.
Except that, covering hands while sleeping does encounter some problems, unless you gain the proper method..
When I sleep with them under my head, they fall asleep and go numb, due to the lack of blood in the vessels. I only like when my brain falls asleep, not my hands. It tickles when all that numbness leaves, and the blood begins to recirculate in my veins. Not the "haha I'm laughing cause somebody is tickling me". It's the, "I wanna cry cause I'm tickling myself and I wish I could stop". But you can't stop yourself. So first, I wake up in the middle of the night panicking from the lack of feeling in my fingers, thinking some thief came and chopped off my hands, due to the numbness. Then I end up yelling at myself, telling me not to tickle me. "Dangit Bobbi, quit tickling Bobbi!"


If I put them between my thighs, they again fall asleep, and my wrists hurt in the morning.


Between my face/ pillow=drooly hands

In armpits=claustrophobia slash stinky slash sweaty hands


So, I've found the perfect place to keep them, is in my pajama pants :)

Just take it easy ok? It's the perfect place. Not to tight, drooly, claustrophobic, and my hands don't fall asleep. It's not like I put them in my undies!


Anyway. I'm sprawled out on the couch. One leg on the cushions, one half hanging off. My pants are unbuttoned, and unzipped for the whole world to see. I have an ugly robe on over my fully dressed self, AND, my hands are...you guessed it. In my pants.
Like I said before, in just a matter of minutes I'm zonked out. And probably have my mouth hanging wide open, drooling all over the place. Yeah, not attractive. (refer to pictures above). So here I am, all tuckered out, in lala dream land. That is until I hear some ruffling about at 2:00 a.m.


I start to stir in my sleep, I hear faint laughter, and I'm not sure if I'm dreaming?? I like laughter, and my mouth begins to form a half smile, but I'm only half conscious. The laughter doesn't stop. and by now I know I'm not asleep... I open one eye to see Kalli hunched over, laughin her butt off. Kyle awkwardly glances away from me, and musters out, "Good morning beautiful." My mom is still in the chair, plugging her nose, as if it were helping suppress her laughter. I still don't know what's going on, so I don't move, I just lay there grinning like an idiot, wondering why everyone is laughing, unaware that my hands are chilling down my unzipped pants.


I was so incoherent so I just fell back asleep, Michael Jackson style (crotch grabbing dance move). Eventually, Kyle left.


The next day Kalli asks me if I always sleep with my hands down my pants.

My mouth drops open as I recall the confusion I felt the night before.

Oh the Trauma in REM. That just did me in. It happened. It's going down in Bob history as A -Really Embarrassing Moment-while in Rapid Eye Movement... Gosh. I'm such a creeper! Who sleeps with their hands down their pants??? Please tell me I'm not the only one.

Holy Moley! - Marshmallow's Anyone?

It was my Aunt Pams birthday a few days ago, and the discussion got opened about embarrassing zits.

We all know those little zitters don't just go away after you turn 21...no. no. We go into adulthood, believing we've left our acne faced adolescence behind...but on a monthly basis, those little (and big) goobs come around to show us who's boss. They come unannounced, and then go as they please. Taking no thought as to if they were invited. It's not just like they pop up to visit in convenient places either. IE- your chin line, or hair line. Easily coverup-able area's. No. They come out on in the most highly visable places on your face. Like, for instance, on the tip of your nose.

Common terms for these unwelcomed ~zits on steroids~ are: "Rudolf" - "My Third Eye"

I've also heard them referred to as -"My Friend Jessica came to visit".

In this case, you know you'll be getting those, "I'm trying to look you straight in the eye, but my eyes won't peel away from that nasty huge zit" looks from every conversationalist you encounter.

Needless to say, once upon a time, many months ago, I watched Oprah Windfrey. In this particular show, she offered what I thought was a wonderful suggestion.

She says, when you have those ugly blemishes, play them off! Color them in as if they were a mole!

She then goes through a series of pictures on "How to Cover your blemish so it looks like a mole"

I get so excited! I already have a plethora of moles on my face, what will one more add?

I was at my grandmothers house in Afton, Wyoming at the time, and it just so happens that I have "a big one" on the right side of my face, between my mouth and nose. It was one of those, "I'm so big, you can't not stare" goobers.

I put Oprah to the test. I found a brown eye pencil, and I colored her in.

IT LOOKED FABULOUS! I felt like Cindy Crawford!

I went to church that day, feeling confident, strutting my stuff. Nobody would know it wasn't a mole!

Church ended, I went back to my grandma's.

My cousin Ben, and his brand new wife, (this was my second time meeting her) Kara, came to dinner that night. So it was my grandparents, Ben, Kara, and myself eating.

I cheerfully and confidently look at Ben, with a huge old grin on my face, The conversation goes as followed.

Bobbi: Hey Ben!

Ben: Hey Bobbi!

Bobbi: (excitedly, I turn my head to the side, and thrust my face closer to Bens eyes so he can have a closer look.) Does this look like a MOLE!?!

Ben: (awkwardly)- Uhhhh? Ahem, Uhhhh, (getting really uncomfortable) N, nn, no?

Bobbi: (loosing some confidence, I sink into my chair) Oh. Really? Well it's not, it's just been a long day and the makeup has probably worn off.

Ben: (Silently shifts his horror stricken face down towards his food, and won't look up at me as he tries to change the subject)

Bobbi: (Disappointed, shrugs it off and continues eating)

Dinner ends, and we continue to chat and laugh about old times like cousins do. Ben never looks at me for more than a few seconds at a time. I think nothing of it.

Conversation dies, and I decide I need to use the restroom.

I do my business, and I'm washing my hands when I look up in the mirror. My jaw drops, I back away from the mirror. Bringing my hands to my face in shock. I shake my head in disbelief, and then erupt in laughter. My "mole" didn't look like a mole at all! It had transformed into a BIG HUGE WHITE HEAD! Not just a little "Peek a boo! I'm coming out!" White Head. It was a "HEY YOU, Yeah YOU! Don't pretend your not looking, I'm HUGE" White Head. I might as well of had one of the mini marshmallows chillin on my face.

Poor country boy Ben! He was trying to be so polite... and I just shoved my face into his. He was probably scared the gooby was going to burst all over him! -Marshmallows anyone?

Needless to say. If you periodically glance in the mirror to make sure you don't have a nasty gooby whitehead popping out, I think, covering your blemishes with eyeliner is a great solution!

What do you think?

It's working right?

Holy Moley-Oprah, you've done it again!

Jamie's Prayer

Little 8 year old Jamie says a prayer before bed:

Heavenly Father.....

....and please bless all the nocturnal animals that they will have fun tonight.

Kids say the darnedest things. Isn't that so hilarious!?

Fall, Fall, and Fall.

I love Fall. It's the last stretch of happiness and sunshine before the dreary winter months. Fall has the perfect temperature (70's), The leaves are changing colors. I love the Reds, the yellows, the oranges, and browns. I love hiking in the Fall, I just plain old love the fall, in every essence of the word. I also love that Emily Buffington loves Fall, and loves to fall......



Last week Emily and I were taking a hike up the gorgeous fall colored Adams Canyon hiking trail. We didn't have alot of time, cause her little boy Max was in preschool for only 2 hrs. So we were trying (keyword trying) to run up alot of the trail...when I say alot, we maybe ran 1/8th of a mile up the almost 2 mile one way hike. Ha, yeah..it's hard ok!

But, we are tough and would like to think we're in good shape, so we did run down the mountain....

Down the mountain we go, getting through all the rough and rocky terrain at top speed, jumping and dodging over rocks, boulders, tree roots, branches, and other foreign objects -(like pinecones)-. We safely and without error make our way down steep terrain, confident, and sure we are going to make it back to pick up Max on time.

After the rough part is over, I start to slow down (I'm in the front), and I turn my head to speak to Emily, she's slowing down too. We're on a shallow hill, and the terrain is smoothing out, into nice even dirt. We've slowed to a safe trot, almost a speed walk, when out of nowhere a five inch rock snatches the front of Emily's shoe. I turn my head towards her right as I see her kick the rock.... Ha, and sssslllllllooooowwwwwllllllyyy, ever so slowly every inch of her body sprawls out across the dirt, (keep in mind we're still on a slight hill) her head landing just centimeters from another rock. Don't worry, it was much to slow motion to cause head injury, so I found it completely appropriate to suppress my laughter for about 0.05 seconds (just to make sure she didn't hit her head.) I looked at the pitiful sight below me. This poor woman had dirt spread across her body from toe to head, a cut knee and hip, dirt plastered on her face. She slowly pushes herself up with her arms so that she's sitting on her side, looks at me, and gets a big old grin/smirk on her face!

I LOST IT!

I erupt in laughter. I can't stop. She's all messed up laying in the dirt, smiling, all bright eyed and bushy tailed! Of all the places to fall! She chooses this nice baby dirt hill.


She gets up, doesn't even brush herself off, and starts running again. (what a sheera!)

I'm behind her, I can't see straight. I'm laughing so hysterically, that I'm crying, and about to wet my pants.

We keep running, I keep laughing, and we finally get to the ending part of the trail, the switchbacks... We're running down, and the wind starts picking up, so we have to squint our eyes to see. Sand is being hurled at our faces. Out of nowhere, I hear this snort. No, no. Not the laughing sort of snort. It was the "I'm about to hock a lewgy" snort. I squint my eyes towards Emily in disbelief. She's in front of me, her head throws back, and she's tilting it to the side to spit something nasty out of her mouth. (keep in mind the wind is blowing really hard and I am only maybe 1.5 feet behind her!) I start to panic, but have no time to dodge the inevitable. She spits it out, the wind picks it up, and I barley dodge the goop ball coming towards me.
Emily stops in horror, realizing what she's done. Turns towards me. My eyes are bugging out of my head, as I stare at her with the expression that says "oh no you didn't just do that". Her hands cover her mouth. I scream and tell her it got on me (just to play along). She's laughing her heart out, because she believes me. Maybe she spit cause she was trying to get me back for laughing at her? haha, I finally let out the truth, we calm down enough to walk straight, and we merrily make our way to get Max.

-----
Two days later we're out for another Jog. Low and behold, in the middle of the sidewalk, somebody cut down one of those signs that say railroad crossing on them, so that what was left was a 2 inch metal stub cemented into the ground. Emily and I are talking and laughing at the bruises she got from the hike, when she kicks the stub, flys forward, can't catch her feet, and sprawls out on across sidewalk! I couldn't help it, I felt like such a jerk, but I laughed again! Poor gal needs to look where she's going!




Oh the adventures of Bobbi and Emily... They never end :)